Being manly enough to question one's own manliness.

I consider myself fairly manly. Like, if I had to, I could probably head-butt my way out of an awkward social situation. Mom: "Cousin Edgar has 3 weeks to live!" Me: *WHAM*



Face-bashing aside, even the manliest of men sometimes has to check himself. Even the slightest of misrepresentations can alter others' perceptions of his mannishness, thereby making him somehow seem not as manly as he in fact is. This is an anomaly so unfair, that it itself deserves a fair bit of head-butting. So here I've compiled a few ways how the manly among us can maintain their manliness in the face of severely non-manly moments.

First: Breaking the seal like a chick.
One of the most unmanly things a manly man can do at a party is to break the seal early and then have to piss like a vagina for the rest of the night. So here is where you determine your manliness.

A) You're SO manly, that you drink like a pirate and don't break the seal until you're good and ready, or good and passed-out drunk.

B) If you MUST break the seal early, do so upon someone much less manly than you, preferrably some poor unfortunate soul who has passed out with their shoes on, as this makes them a fair game target to all the manlier men.

Second: Holding a purse.
It's happened to all of us... walking at the mall/gun depository with your significant other, and she stops to look at some girly thing, like another purse or something gay, and she says "Here baby, hold this." You take it without thinking, and there you are; left standing there with a purse, all the while sapping your manliness.

Solution: As soon as you take the purse, say "I don't fucking want this" and (swing hard) hit the first person you see that isn't your girlfriend. Hit them in the face and scream "ARRRR!!!", because pirates are the manliest. "YARRR!!!" would also be acceptable.

Third: The Jar
Again, this one involves your vagina. She comes up to you and (like a chick) isn't strong enough to open a spaghetti sauce/pickle/jelly/peanut butter jar. You take the jar, confident that you can easily free the condiment from its glassy prison by shear might of manliness. You grip the lid firmly and twist - nothing. You just can't open the jar. What do you do?

Solution: Throw the jar up against the wall so that it shatters, sending the condiment into the nearby atmosphere, and before your girlfriend can protest, take her in your arms, carry her into the bedroom and DESTROY her vagina. Make her scream your name and then have a sandwich. Fuck pickles.

So there you go. 3 ways to avoid ruining your manliness in a manliness-threatening situation. I should do this for a living.